newlangren | 1 points | Oct 08 2021 08:40:01

CCJ2旧帖：How to set a World Record in China

It's a sold out crowd at the Bird's Nest stadium here in lovely Capital City of China. Eighty-Thousand people have come to watch history unfold, with more people clamoring at the gates outside or watching the live broadcast from their hutong hut. In the middle of the stadium sits a lone Foreign man, meditating on a cushion. Aside from his pale skin and balding head, nothing stands out about him. He is a teacher at Smiling Turtle English School, hailing from the beautiful country America. His petite Chinese girlfriend stands to the side, her face trying to hide her concern. The crowd is buzzing and impatient.

Finally, a loud gong sounds out. The crowd goes silent. Dozens of cameras and billions of eyes are on the American as he stands up and cracks his knuckles. From a side entrance, men in white uniforms push out a large tray on wheels. They lift the cover to reveal: The spiciest hotpot from DiDi's kitchen in Sichuan province.

The crowd reels in shock. Even the heartiest uncle ganbei, born and raised in the pepper fields, wouldn't dare eat this meal. But the Foreigner doesn't balk. He strides over to the dish and begins to chow down. He slurps loudly and burps frequently as he consumes the meal. The man is unfazed by what should be a mouth-rending experience; indeed, the crowd is sweating more than he is. After the Foreigner slurps the last of the soup, the waiters bring out another tray. This time, it's a massive plate of dumplings from the greasiest back-alley in Beijing.

The crowd recoils in fear, but the Foreigner begins to cram them into his mouth. Gutter oil drips down his face, and the crunch of rat bones is audible as he devours the baozi. He finishes twenty dumplings in two minutes. And now it's time for the final play. The floor of the stadium opens up to reveal a pool of water underneath. The broadcasters inform the viewers that it's water pumped in from the Yellow River. The audience begins to retch in disgust, but the Foreigner jumps into the pool without hesitation. The sludge-liquid, brown from waste and human excrement, sloshes onto the stage, and the waiters recoil in fear. In a final dominant move, the Foreigner opens his mouth and begins to drink large mouthfuls of the water. Some audience members look away in disgust, while other gaze upon him, transfixed.

Eventually, the girlfriend rushes to the side of the pool and helps the Foreigner out. His stomach is swollen with the contents of his meals and drink. And now it's time to wait. The grand finale is coming, but we must be patient.

... Salesmen move through the stands, selling commemorative items and barf bags. Some are offering snacks, but nobody has an appetite anymore.

... An hour passes. The Foreigner is splayed out on the stadium floor, as Rainy rubs his belly. And then suddenly, a deafening grumble emanates from his stomach. The audience members sit up at attention. The rumbles become more and more frequent. Children plug their ears and some viewers begin to leave the stadium, having lost their nerve. The waiters push out a ten-foot tall object with a drape over it.

As the Foreigner gives the thumbs up sign, the waiters reveal what's under the drape: The largest toilet the world has ever seen. It was produced in Shenzhen, supervised by a crack team of scientists and engineers, and then shipped to Beijing under military guard. The foreigner ascends the toilet and removes his clothing. He begins to chant a spell, praising the gods and cursing his miserable life. And as the final syllable leaves his lips, the laduzi begins. An endless stream of foul-smelling stew leaves his body. A massive clock displays the duration of the shitting, while an electronic scale displays the volume and weight. The audience members are in a complete trance, eyes locked on the Foreigner. Time is at a crawl as the entire country watches the man's bowels being evacuated.

One minute... Two minutes... Three minutes...how is this possible? Four minutes...surely the Foreigner will die from this... Five minutes...

Rainy is crying out of joy and misery. At the six minute mark, the floodgates close and the eruption becomes more of a drip. The government officials lean in to closely examine the exact time of finish. At exactly eight minutes and 88 seconds, the last squirt falls into the toilet, and the clock stops. The audience explodes into applause and cheering. Some try to charge the stage, but the smell knocks them out cold.

President Xi stands up from his VIP seat, and salutes the Foreigner. The ghost of Mao himself smiles down on the scene below, and gives an approving nod. The Foreigner falls from the toilet, unconscious, into Rainy's arms. Doctors wearing gas masks stick him with a dozen IV drips, and push pills into his agape mouth. It will take months for the Foreigner to recover, but fear not, for his sacrifice will live on in China for all eternity.

... And that, my friends, is how I set a world record for longest continual Laduzi.