百年喷射

freedomlian | 3 points | Oct 07 2021 01:32:31

百年喷射

多年以后，因为直肠癌切除肛门的肥宅终日挂着粪袋的时候，总会想起年轻时吃完麻辣烫疯狂喷射的日子。当时，便秘还是困扰年轻人的顽疾，无论在街边的小广告，还是互联网上的垃圾营销号里，“通便秘决”一直都是亘古不变的热门话题。那时肥宅的同龄人里，高个子的阿强每天都去健身，练出一身腱子肉，学生时代困扰他的便秘也顺便解决了。不过肥宅清楚地记得，那张健身年卡的价钱就顶他半个月的工资了。另一个是水果女神阿丽，曾经也是肥宅的便秘病友，她每天都要吃几十块钱的水果。阿丽在朋友圈晒过很多水果，光是肥宅记得的就有大个的车厘子，红心的火龙果，异域的猕猴桃，日本的草莓和葡萄，还有当时他根本不敢买的牛油果。那时阿强对阿丽说：“你不能光吃水果，还要多运动。”肥宅没听他们的，肥宅不想把钱送给水果摊和健身房，肥宅把钱都用来氪金抽老婆的卡、买老婆的手办、听老婆的演唱会了。肥宅解决便秘的方法和阿强阿丽不一样，每当他便秘的时候，就偷偷跑去街边的麻辣烫，中午去了，晚上就能疯狂喷射，顺带着那种火辣辣的快感，让如今躺在床上生出褥疮的肥宅久久难忘。后来阿强和阿丽见到肥宅由于经常喷射而溅满屎花的厕所之后，就发誓再也不来找肥宅玩了。肥宅查出直肠癌的时候，已经在便秘和喷射之间轮回了二十年，这二十年间，阿强和阿丽结婚了，肥宅的老婆退圈了。肥宅的老婆毕业了，肥宅的老婆完结了，肥宅的老婆便当了，肥宅的老婆过气了。肥宅给老婆氪的金都在热恋的时光里化为了飞灰，最后消失的无影无踪，就像他在无数次便秘和喷射的循环之后逝去的菊花一样。肥宅艰难地动了动身子，腹部连着粪管的瘘口只是轻轻地痛了一下，背上的褥疮也几乎已经麻木了，如同肥宅早已麻了的大脑，再也思考不出任何后悔的理由——至少，现在他不用担心便秘了。

[-] newlangren | 2 points | Oct 07 2021 09:38:51

Been in the guo a minute or two and know that sketchy shenjiangbao are asking for liquid bowel movements. I know that sketchy waimai is asking for liquid bowel movements. I know that looking at a big chain eatery the wrong way is asking for liquid laduz.

My viv has been busy with whatever vivs do when not ripping off their countrymen or people overseas. Because of her pre-occupation i've developed a nasty habit of going to the neighborhood shaooowdieen for some sweets after dinner. Watching my weight loss stall I realized that the easiest place to trim the fat was my 4/7 night a week habit of grabbing sweets after dinner.

I did the logical thing and asked a friend for taobao links to sugar free candy and bought a wide variety from kangarooguo. The first day of 2021 rolls around and despite being careful about my breakfast outside, something is clearly wrong. Im talking a week worth of gas and bloating in an hour. I thought I was in for a bout of food poisoning. And yet despite risky fart after risky fart no rusty water came from my peegoo.

I took the non toilet time to check the caloric content of my new guilt free snacks and came upon this warning label on my kangroo snacks "EXCESSIVE CONSUMPTION OF THIS PRODUCT MAY CAUSE A LAXATIVE EFFECT AND OR STOMACH DISCOMFORT". So instead of making up for a mediocre NYE I will be staying at home farting and spraying a toilet bowl, from developed world food for the first time since I came to laduzi guo.